4 Steps That’ll Get You Exactly What You Want in Bed
Let’s face it, you’re not always going to have toe-curling sex—but it should at least be enjoyable. If most of your romps have been a yawn-fest lately, then it’s time to learn how to speak up and tell your partner exactly what you want.
Feel awkward about expressing your sexual needs? Here are four steps endorsed by various sex experts that will help you break the ice and ensure that you never have to fake another orgasm.
Related link: 4 Things You Should Never Do In The Bedroom
Speak up! The best way to get what you need is to say it. Want to try a new position? Mention that you saw something fun in a movie, magazine, or online that you’d like to try. It’ll be a turn-on for your partner since you’re being sexually adventurous (versus telling him that he’s not doing something right). Let him know what you like. If you’re not vocal about what’s working or not working, he can’t make it happen for you. Another idea is to ‘call it in’: Call your partner’s cell phone from the bedroom and describe what you’re doing, wearing, and how you’re becoming passionately aroused. Then your partner can respond with how he’ll take care of it. If you really want to shock some energy into your lovemaking session, talk dirty to your partner. “Use all the expressions that would make your mother threaten to wash out your mouth with soap,” suggests longtime Canadian sex expert Sue Johanson. “The simplest things can wake up a dormant sex life.”
Too shy to say it? Then show him what to do. According to a recent Miller & Byers study, both men and women require 18 minutes of foreplay, so you might as well make sure you’re getting it right. Guide his hands, reposition yourself, whatever it takes. If he suddenly feels insecure, just tell him that he hit a different spot and you want him to get back there again. Then emphasize just how right that new move is feeling. There’s no reason for us to expect our man to instinctively know how to pleasure us; everyone is different. Rather than getting frustrated, show him what works for you and help him out. You’ll both feel more satisfied.
Textual foreplay. We’re usually glued to our smartphones and computers throughout the day, so why not use them to spice up your relationship? Send your partner a few dirty texts or e-mails throughout the day (but make sure it’s the personal e-mail account!). It’s the perfect way to stay connected and if you push the right buttons you’ll have your man racing home to you. It’s also a great way to communicate without having to say the words aloud. Paint a visual picture for your partner—one that he can’t wait to act out in real life. “Learn the beauty of sexual foreplay with words,” says celebrity sex expert Emily Morse. “Imagination is really what turns us on!”
Role play. Role playing might sound silly, especially if you’ve never done it, but it’s a useful tool to knock down bedroom barriers if you’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time. If you don’t know how to ask for something different, let your alter-ego do it for you. So if you’ve secretly been wanting to bring a set of handcuffs to bed but feel weird about it, let your alter ego beg to be tied up. Find out what your partner’s fantasy is and create it, even if it seems a little out of your comfort zone. If you play your cards right, it’ll be a win/win, so don’t over-think it, just do it. P.S. Don’t think that indulging in a bit of role playing makes you a complete freak. According to a recent Psychology Today study, 62% of American couples embrace the fun and games!
These are just a few ways to almost instantly improve your sex life, but ultimately the key to a great sexual relationship is having an open dialogue with your partner. Here are some additional resources to help you channel your inner sexual diva:
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Cate Meighan is a lifestyle and relationship issues writer. In addition to her work for KnowMore.tv, she has also contributed to Redbook, The Huffington Post, and xoJane.com.